Tag Archives: family problems

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Dear Abby: Family sabotages healthy eating efforts

Dear Abby: I am struggling with a recent diagnosis of severe liver disease (non-alcoholic) and need to lose 30 pounds. I have had two bouts of cancer in five years as well as arthritis. I have dedicated myself to explicitly following my doctor’s directions to eat organic and low-fat foods and to exercise daily to improve my liver. I face surgery in the next few months.

I live with family members who claim to be supportive yet get angry when I turn down invitations to all-you-can-eat buffets, buttered popcorn at movies, fast food and pastries. One stormed off when I turned down a visit to a deli for a huge salami sandwich! I politely said I wasn’t hungry, which was true. After this argument, I lost focus. I stopped weighing myself daily and began backsliding.

I am no longer hopeful about improving my health. These family members are well aware of my diagnosis because they were present at the medical consultation. How can I stay strong without moving out? It is my house! — Sick and Tired in California

Dear Sick and Tired: It’s time to reaffirm your desire to LIVE. Because of your health problems, this will mean making changes that will be lifelong. Ask your doctor for a referral to a registered dietitian who can guide you in making those adjustments, and when you have your first consultations, bring your sabotaging relatives with you. When they deliberately tempt you to stray from this lifesaving program, they are encouraging you to risk your life. If they are unwilling to get on board, then THEY — not you — should move out.

Dear Abby: Every time my granddaughter and I talk, she always tells me to let her talk. I’m getting older, and one day I won’t be here for her to tell me to let her talk. Believe me, I know. I’d give anything to talk to my Big Mama once more. I finally blew up and told her that one day I won’t be here and to have a good day. I haven’t spoken to her since.
Most of the time, I have to call or go by to see my great-grandsons, if I see them at all. I’m tired of being the only one to make an effort. I love her with all my heart, but my heart has feelings, too. Please advise. — Overlooked in Mississippi

Dear Overlooked: I know you are hurting, and for that I am sorry. But when someone says, “Let ME talk,” it usually means that the other talker is hogging the conversation. I doubt your granddaughter said it to be mean. She may be busier than you are. Conversations are supposed to be shared, not turned into lectures. Because you have important life lessons you want to impart, consider writing them in a journal or recording them.

Since you seem to be making all the effort to see your great-grandsons, perhaps it’s time to concentrate less on your children’s children and put more effort into socializing with contemporaries. If you do, you may find it equally, if not more, rewarding.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

 

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Dear Abby: Bullying is not the same as coaching, Dad

Dear Abby: My son is a loving husband, father and son. He coaches his 12-year-old son, my grandson, in various sports and sometimes is just a spectator. I’m worried because he often berates his son’s playing ability. He has yelled at him during and after games, whether he is coaching or not. He yelled and screamed at him in front of everyone and later at home.

I have told my son, to no avail, that it’s OK to give constructive criticism but without the yelling. I also have told him how it crushes my grandson each time he does this. My daughter-in-law is also at a loss for how to change his behavior. My husband coached my son in sports when he was young and he was hard on him, too. I love my family dearly, but I don’t know what to do in this situation. Abby, what do you think we should do? — ‘Heartaching’ Grandma in New Jersey

Dear Grandma: Your son may be a loving husband, but he could use some coaching as a father. Someone should point out to him that when a parent bullies a child about his poor athletic performance, it rarely produces a positive result. It makes him lose interest in the sport and damages the youth’s self-esteem, and the effects can sometimes last a lifetime.
After your grandson has had enough of the verbal abuse, don’t be shocked if he drops out of the sport. Your son should have learned from the terrible example his own father set that this kind of “coaching” usually doesn’t produce the desired result. He should take out his aggression elsewhere.

Dear Abby: Two years ago, my mom invited all of my family on an international trip during the month of October. One year ago, my sister called me asking if I could “cover some things” for her. When I agreed and asked why, she said she and our parents were going on the international trip four months early. I was shocked.

No one had said the departure date was being moved up. When I asked my other sister about it, she was also still under the impression we were going in October. When I brought it up to my mom, she got very defensive and said we were all invited to come. No, we were not! The plans changed, and only one sister and her family were included.

They are on the trip now, and I don’t want any part of it. They are posting pictures to our family group chat, and I have decided not to look at them. I’m not sure how to move forward from here. I’m sad and frustrated over this, while they are pretending everything is fine. — Left Behind in Colorado

Dear Left: When your mother and sister return from that trip there needs to be a frank “family discussion” about what went wrong and why neither felt it was necessary to inform you that you and your other sister were excluded and why. Pretending something that happened never happened never works out, and if it isn’t repaired, the fallout can be long-lasting.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

 

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Dear Abby: All 4 daughters have taken ex-wife’s side

Dear Abby: I’ve been divorced for 10 years and have since remarried. I began dating my current wife nine years ago. I have four daughters, ages 24 through 37. Since the divorce, our relationships have been strained because my ex continues to hold them emotionally hostage by feeding her narrative that I’m the bad guy for initiating the divorce. Because my daughters seem to believe everything their mother tells them, it’s been difficult to reintegrate back into their lives because they don’t know what to believe or who to trust.

My new wife gets frustrated when they don’t call me for the big events (birthdays, Father’s Day, holidays, etc.). And I feel horrible because her kids make a point of contacting me for every event. Should I continue accepting where things are with my daughters and wait for them to realize I’m not the monster their mother has painted me as? Or should I try having a hard conversation with each of them and take my chances on possibly saying the wrong thing and making things worse? — Damned If I Do or Don’t

Dear Damned: I’m not sure what the circumstances were that made you divorce their mother, but your daughters are no longer children. They are fully into adulthood. I do think a conversation with each of them is in order.

If you approach the subject saying that things don’t always work out as planned, and had you found living with their mother to be tolerable you would still be married, it might make the rest of what you have to say more palatable. If your ex has accused you of infidelity, you have a right to defend yourself as long as you don’t assassinate their mother’s character (which is likely what she has done to yours).

Dear Abby: I am the youngest of four sisters. I lost one of them, “Rachel,” to cancer several years ago. She and I were considered the “failures” of the family because we had to work hard to take care of our families, whereas our other two sisters married into money. Rachel didn’t take part in many family get-togethers because, I’m guessing, she felt out of place. I didn’t understand it then, but I do now that she’s gone because I feel the same way.

It’s aggravating for me now when my sisters come to town. They don’t understand how hard we have to work to get by. They think we and our children, who are out working hard too, can take time off anytime to get together with them when they come on short notice. It’s aggravating, and I’m unsure how to approach this. Please help. — ‘Failure’ In Florida

Dear ‘Failure’: Your “successful” sisters appear to be annoyingly obtuse. The next time you receive an invitation on short notice, patiently explain to them the difference in your lifestyle and theirs and point out that it precludes you changing your schedule at the drop of a hat. Then tell them the amount of time you need to prepare. (Why you would want to get together with anyone who makes you feel “less than” puzzles me.)

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

 

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Dear Abby: I can’t just ‘get over’ years of abuse

Dear Abby: I see a psychiatrist and psychologist for generalized anxiety disorder, major depression disorder and borderline personality disorder. According to my doctors, my psychiatric disorders are a result of the 44 years of abuse I received from my mother, as well as the abuse she allowed others to inflict on me.

Her physical abuse stopped when I fought back at 17. When I was 18, it was the last time her precious prince of a son raised his fist to me because I told him I’d press charges and have him arrested. The sexual abuse had stopped when I was 12, and I realized she’d known what had been happening the whole time. It also ended my wanting a relationship with my mother, but her emotional abuse continued until she died in 2013.

I am being told that, because she’s dead, I should just let it go. My siblings backed her because they wanted to be in Mommy’s good graces. After years of hatred and abuse, I believed the only family I had were my own two children, but even they are cold to me now. They scold me — “Your mother’s dead. Get over it.” How do I explain that when abuse starts before a child can walk, you DON’T just “get over it”? — Bleeding Heart in Ohio

Dear Bleeding Heart: I am so sorry for the unrelenting trauma you experienced. Your children may mean well, but they are clueless about what the effects of physical, emotional and sexual abuse can be. I’m not sure your children will ever fully understand why you can’t forgive what your mother and siblings did to you without the help of a family therapist, if you can convince your children to accompany you.

Dear Abby: My father-in-law passed away, and I have never been particularly close to my mother-in-law. I have encouraged my husband to visit his mother and maintain a good relationship with her. She’s healthy and very active and drives herself everywhere. The problem is, every time my husband visits, he brings home a bag (or bags) of miscellaneous items his mom gives him. It can be hats, gloves, socks, flashlights, T-shirts, gadgets, tons of drink bottles, etc. Most of the items have never been used.

My in-laws were avid auction and sale enthusiasts, and they didn’t just buy one of something; they bought in quantity. When my husband brings this stuff home, I end up taking everything to our local donation center. How do I get him to stand up to his mother and tell her we don’t need any more stuff? I don’t want to be the one to speak to her because it will create problems. Must I just keep quiet and continue running to the donation center for the sake of peace? — Dumped on in Pennsylvania

Dear Dumped On: No. Tell your husband HE must run to the donation center to dispose of the items his mother sends home with him. Once he tires of doing it, HE will discourage his well-meaning mother.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

 

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Dear Abby: Rule-breaking Lulu loses parents’ trust

Dear Abby: We asked our 19-year-old college daughter, “Lulu,” to dog-sit and housesit sit several months ago. She knew our rule of no visitors allowed in our home while we were out of town. Because of this, we didn’t feel we needed to prepare the house by filing mail and documents away prior to our short trip.

Lulu had her new boyfriend of a few weeks stay over for the weekend. She not only allowed this stranger into our home but also deceived us for months. It’s difficult to let go of our disappointment in her poor judgment by allowing a stranger into our home with unsecured documents out in the open.

Her sexual activities and consequences are her “adult” choices, but I’m not sure when I’ll be able to trust our daughter again. She had an opportunity to start building our trust shortly after we found out about “the weekend,” but didn’t take our consequences and rules seriously enough during her school break and lost access to some privileges. Yes, she did start counseling sessions this past semester. Where do we go from here? — No Trust in New Mexico

Dear No Trust: Since we now know Lulu has poor judgment and lacks respect for your rules, take away your house key (if you haven’t already), practice keeping your financial documents under lock and key when you’re not in the house and hire a dog sitter. Then, cross your fingers and hope the counseling your daughter is receiving helps her become more mature and make better choices.

Dear Abby: I lost my daughter to cancer five years ago. She was only 36. She left behind a husband and three children, ages 3, 5 and 7. While my daughter and her husband worked, I was their “nanny granny” five days a week. I would also take them overnight on weekends. More often than not, I had more waking hours with my grands than their parents did. We were extremely close and bonded.

After my daughter passed, my son-in-law asked me to move in to help. I was in a position to do so, and it went OK the first year. Then some cracks began to show, and we ended up having a huge fight over money (though it wasn’t REALLY about money). After I said some horrible things about him on Facebook, he took the grands away from me. It has been two years, and I have begged his forgiveness to no avail. What can I do? — Missing Them in Maryland

Dear Missing Them: You wrote that “cracks began to show.” I wish you had mentioned what that huge fight was “really” about because I might have been able to answer your question about how to patch things up more fully. As it stands, all I can suggest is to continue apologizing to your former son-in-law and continue sending gifts to your grandchildren on their birthdays and at Christmas so they will know they have a grandmother who exists and cares about them.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

 

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Dear Abby: Seasonal soup ready for its close-up

Dear Abby: Years ago, I purchased your recipe booklet which had a very good recipe for gazpacho (no oil in the recipe).

I no longer have that booklet. Could you print the gazpacho recipe? Also, is the booklet still available? There were several other dishes in it I enjoyed preparing. Thank you. — Brenda B. in Boston

Dear Brenda: I’m pleased to share the gazpacho recipe. It’s a light, refreshing and healthy accompaniment to a spring or summer meal, and is included in the first of my Cookbooklet set.

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Dear Abby’s Gazpacho

INGREDIENTS

4 1/2 cups tomato juice

3 cups finely chopped tomatoes

1 1/2 cups finely chopped peeled cucumbers

1/2 cup finely chopped green pepper

1/2 cup finely chopped onion

2 1/4 tablespoons vinegar

4 dashes Tabasco sauce

Salt, pepper, garlic, garlic salt or garlic juice to taste

Spike seasoning, if desired.

DIRECTIONS

In a large bowl, combine all ingredients, and mix well. For a spicier gazpacho, add 1-2 dashes of Spike. Chill 1 to 2 days to blend the flavors. Serve in cups with a thin slice of lemon as garnish.

Tip: Using a food processor to chop the vegetables makes it swift and easy. Yield: 8 (1/2 cup) servings

To order the Cookbooklet set, send your name and address, plus check or money order for $16 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mt. Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. There is an assortment of recipes in these booklets, ranging from appetizers and soups to main courses, side dishes and delicious desserts. Some of those dessert recipes won blue-ribbon prizes at county fairs, and I’m sure you will enjoy the introduction, which contains tips on entertaining. As my mother used to say, “It’s not what’s on the table that makes a successful party, it’s who you put in the chairs.”

Dear Abby: I am at the end of my rope with a relative. She lies constantly. She makes up elaborate stories that I have Googled and proven false. For instance, she claimed she went to high school with a certain celebrity. (According to Google, the celebrity is 15 years older than she is.) She constantly tries to one-up anything I mention. I am fed up and want no further communication with her. What would make someone behave this way? Why does she need so much attention? — True or False in Illinois

Dear True or False: You may be taking this too personally. Folks who make up stories often do it because they are insecure and want to inflate their image. Because they don’t feel good about themselves, they feel they must add “something” to make them appear more important, influential or successful than they are. These individuals are to be pitied rather than ostracized. To the extent that you can, try to ignore her tall tales.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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