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Dear Abby: Couple struggling after tragic loss of grandchild

Dear Abby: We recently suffered the loss of our first grandchild. She was only 24 and taken far too soon. My partner and I are working through our grief, which is challenging as we are in different stages. He also struggles with multiple mental health issues. They make things even more difficult, as I need to help him through some outbursts while I am feeling crushed by this tragedy. Counseling will likely happen in the near future.

My issue right now is that my daughter and I have chosen to get memorial jewelry. In my case, it will be a small raindrop pendant that will hold some of my granddaughter’s ashes. I told my partner I was doing this, as surprises don’t go over well with him and it’s best to give him a lot of warning. He now has concerns that if I wear the necklace, it will continually remind him of the loss.

I want to keep my granddaughter as close to my heart as I can. I’m not sure I can compromise on this, short of wearing it only when he’s not around. But he is retired, and I mostly work from home, so he’s around all the time. I don’t want to continually upset him by reminding him, so I am at a loss. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. — Remembering in Canada

Dear Remembering: Please accept my sympathy for the untimely loss of your granddaughter. Clearly, you are dealing with a lot right now. The fact that your partner suffers from mental illness only adds to it. That you want to keep some part of your granddaughter close to you is understandable. However, if seeing you wearing the raindrop pendant would set him back, consider having it made but not wearing it until he’s further along in the grieving process. I hope he receives his much-needed counseling soon.

Dear Abby: I have many reasons not to trust my husband. We have been together going on six years, married for 3 1/2 of them. I recently found out he texted his ex-live-in girlfriend to wish her “Happy Birthday.” When I asked him why, he said he always has done this. I don’t understand the need. They don’t keep in touch otherwise as far as I know. He never deletes old messages, so there’s usually a trail and there really isn’t one with her.

He got mad at me (as usual) and couldn’t understand my point of view. I also know he has consulted a lawyer in the last few months to inquire about how our things would be divided in a case of divorce. Should I be concerned? Isn’t it disrespectful for him to text his ex? — Conflicted in Maine

Dear Conflicted: You have focused on the wrong problem. Rather than fight with your husband because he sent a former girlfriend birthday wishes, you should be HYPER-concerned about why he has been consulting a divorce lawyer. (!!) I don’t know how emotionally distanced the two of you have become, but from where I sit, it’s time to enlist the aid of a marriage and family counselor.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

 

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Dear Abby: Rule-breaking Lulu loses parents’ trust

Dear Abby: We asked our 19-year-old college daughter, “Lulu,” to dog-sit and housesit sit several months ago. She knew our rule of no visitors allowed in our home while we were out of town. Because of this, we didn’t feel we needed to prepare the house by filing mail and documents away prior to our short trip.

Lulu had her new boyfriend of a few weeks stay over for the weekend. She not only allowed this stranger into our home but also deceived us for months. It’s difficult to let go of our disappointment in her poor judgment by allowing a stranger into our home with unsecured documents out in the open.

Her sexual activities and consequences are her “adult” choices, but I’m not sure when I’ll be able to trust our daughter again. She had an opportunity to start building our trust shortly after we found out about “the weekend,” but didn’t take our consequences and rules seriously enough during her school break and lost access to some privileges. Yes, she did start counseling sessions this past semester. Where do we go from here? — No Trust in New Mexico

Dear No Trust: Since we now know Lulu has poor judgment and lacks respect for your rules, take away your house key (if you haven’t already), practice keeping your financial documents under lock and key when you’re not in the house and hire a dog sitter. Then, cross your fingers and hope the counseling your daughter is receiving helps her become more mature and make better choices.

Dear Abby: I lost my daughter to cancer five years ago. She was only 36. She left behind a husband and three children, ages 3, 5 and 7. While my daughter and her husband worked, I was their “nanny granny” five days a week. I would also take them overnight on weekends. More often than not, I had more waking hours with my grands than their parents did. We were extremely close and bonded.

After my daughter passed, my son-in-law asked me to move in to help. I was in a position to do so, and it went OK the first year. Then some cracks began to show, and we ended up having a huge fight over money (though it wasn’t REALLY about money). After I said some horrible things about him on Facebook, he took the grands away from me. It has been two years, and I have begged his forgiveness to no avail. What can I do? — Missing Them in Maryland

Dear Missing Them: You wrote that “cracks began to show.” I wish you had mentioned what that huge fight was “really” about because I might have been able to answer your question about how to patch things up more fully. As it stands, all I can suggest is to continue apologizing to your former son-in-law and continue sending gifts to your grandchildren on their birthdays and at Christmas so they will know they have a grandmother who exists and cares about them.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

 

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