Tag Archives: JustNoMIL

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Dear Abby: In-laws a nightmare, hubby won’t help

Dear Abby: My in-laws have repeatedly attempted to destroy my marriage. My husband knows they trash-talk us to family, thinking we don’t know it, but he won’t put up any meaningful boundaries or check them whatsoever. I have lost all respect for him because he lies to me, telling me he has confronted them, when I know for a fact he hasn’t.

We separated over this issue, and he spent four years dragging his feet until I got sick of his stalling and began dating to get him to act. He wanted to reconcile, so I made the terms of getting back together clear: Confront his family about their toxic behavior, get therapy for his self-esteem issues and finish working on our house so we could sell it and move away from our neighbor, the heroin dealer who had been harassing us for years.

He finished the house, and after two years on and off the market, I ended up selling it. But the confrontation with his family never happened. I still catch them talking trash about us, and he has refused to go to therapy. I’ve been through therapy and anger management and have come a long way. But he’s firmly entrenched in his dysfunction and doesn’t see or care how it affects me.

I spent the first 10 years of our marriage being an unprioritized afterthought of a wife. I refuse to continue to be that person after everything we’ve been through. When is enough enough? — At a Crossroads in the South

Dear Crossroads: Enough was enough when you finally realized your husband wasn’t going to change and accepted that he will never be strong enough to draw the line with his abusive family. I’m surprised your marriage has lasted this long.

Dear Abby: How do you handle a friend who never stops talking? My longtime friend has always been a good storyteller, but as we become older, she hijacks every conversation when we get together. She’s oblivious to verbal or body cues that the rest of us are done with the “conversation” she has chosen and would like to move on. If someone is able to get a word in edgewise, she immediately returns to the previous subject.

I come away from gatherings feeling angry and frustrated. Is there a way to address this without blowing up a lifelong relationship? — Muzzled in the Midwest

Dear Muzzled: I don’t think there is. You stated that your longtime friend has always been a good storyteller. It is possible that, as you all are growing older, she has begun having cognitive problems. It may also be a reason why she’s not picking up on social cues. Would her spouse (if she has one) or her children (if she has any) have noticed any changes? Start asking. And if the response you receive is that this is “just the way she is,” for the sake of your sanity, see her less often.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

 

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Dear Abby: I can’t just ‘get over’ years of abuse

Dear Abby: I see a psychiatrist and psychologist for generalized anxiety disorder, major depression disorder and borderline personality disorder. According to my doctors, my psychiatric disorders are a result of the 44 years of abuse I received from my mother, as well as the abuse she allowed others to inflict on me.

Her physical abuse stopped when I fought back at 17. When I was 18, it was the last time her precious prince of a son raised his fist to me because I told him I’d press charges and have him arrested. The sexual abuse had stopped when I was 12, and I realized she’d known what had been happening the whole time. It also ended my wanting a relationship with my mother, but her emotional abuse continued until she died in 2013.

I am being told that, because she’s dead, I should just let it go. My siblings backed her because they wanted to be in Mommy’s good graces. After years of hatred and abuse, I believed the only family I had were my own two children, but even they are cold to me now. They scold me — “Your mother’s dead. Get over it.” How do I explain that when abuse starts before a child can walk, you DON’T just “get over it”? — Bleeding Heart in Ohio

Dear Bleeding Heart: I am so sorry for the unrelenting trauma you experienced. Your children may mean well, but they are clueless about what the effects of physical, emotional and sexual abuse can be. I’m not sure your children will ever fully understand why you can’t forgive what your mother and siblings did to you without the help of a family therapist, if you can convince your children to accompany you.

Dear Abby: My father-in-law passed away, and I have never been particularly close to my mother-in-law. I have encouraged my husband to visit his mother and maintain a good relationship with her. She’s healthy and very active and drives herself everywhere. The problem is, every time my husband visits, he brings home a bag (or bags) of miscellaneous items his mom gives him. It can be hats, gloves, socks, flashlights, T-shirts, gadgets, tons of drink bottles, etc. Most of the items have never been used.

My in-laws were avid auction and sale enthusiasts, and they didn’t just buy one of something; they bought in quantity. When my husband brings this stuff home, I end up taking everything to our local donation center. How do I get him to stand up to his mother and tell her we don’t need any more stuff? I don’t want to be the one to speak to her because it will create problems. Must I just keep quiet and continue running to the donation center for the sake of peace? — Dumped on in Pennsylvania

Dear Dumped On: No. Tell your husband HE must run to the donation center to dispose of the items his mother sends home with him. Once he tires of doing it, HE will discourage his well-meaning mother.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

 

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