Why Yelling at Kids Backfires and What to Do Instead

While most parents have raised their voices at their kids at some point, it’s rarely a moment we’re proud of—and even less often an effective parenting strategy. So why do we do it?

Understanding why we yell and the impact it has on our children can be eye-opening, especially when your child pushes you to the edge of your patience. Here’s what really happens when we yell, why it backfires, and what to do instead.

Reasons Why Yelling at Kids Doesn’t Work

Yelling at your kids often feels like an instinctive reaction when anger or frustration takes over. However, the consequences of raising your voice aren’t as straightforward as they seem—and there are some unintended effects. Here are a few reasons why yelling at kids doesn’t work in the long run.

1. Yelling impacts learning

“Yelling is about releasing anger; it’s not an effective way to change behavior,” says Laura Markham, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author. Dr. Markham explains that when a child feels scared, they go into fight-or-flight mode, causing the learning centers of their brain to shut down.

The fight-or-flight response is a physiological reaction triggered by situations our brain perceives as threats—like yelling. This means your child is unable to process the lesson you’re trying to teach when you’re yelling at them because their brain views it as danger.

In contrast, Dr. Markham says, “Peaceful and calm communication helps a child feel safe and makes them more receptive to the lesson we’re teaching.”

2. Yelling makes children feel devalued

“The common thread that binds all people together is wanting to feel valued,” says Joseph Shrand, MD, the chief medical officer of Riverside Community Care in Massachusetts. For most of us, feeling valued by others is a key way we measure our self-worth. When we’re yelled at, we often feel inadequate and question our capabilities. “Yelling is one of the fastest ways to make someone feel they don’t have value,” he adds.

Dr. Markham’s thoughts align with this: “When we’re angry and start yelling, we’re seeing ourselves as a hammer and everyone around us a nail,” she says. In this mindset, our children seem like the enemy and rather than the people we value and love. “Our children should never feel like the enemy,” stresses Dr. Markham.

3. Yelling can fuel anxiety

Children who are frequently yelled at are prone to anxiety and experience higher levels of depression. Dr. Markham explains that children often pick up on their parents’ anxiety, and how a parent reacts to their child’s mistakes can either soothe them or exacerbate their worries.

Furthermore, Neil Bernstein, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author, emphasizes that negativity is the fuel anxiety and depression need to exist. Being yelled at creates an “explosion of negativity that lingers for a long time,” he says.

4. Yelling interferes with bonding

“Yelling breaks your connection with your child and puts your relationship bank account in the red,” explains Dr. Markham. It’s challenging to generate empathy when there is yelling between you and your child.

Yelling can create a divide, making your child feel like you’re not on their team. After being yelled at, children often feel defiant, defensive, and disconnected from their parent.

“In my 40 years as a psychologist, I’ve seen thousands of kids and have never had one tell me they felt closer to their parent after being yelled at,” says Dr. Bernstein.

5 . Yelling has long-term negative effects

Multiple studies have illustrated how yelling harms children. One study categorized yelling as a form of “harsh discipline” and concluded that children who experience it are at higher risk of negative outcomes, such as poor academic achievement, behavioral problems, and delinquent behaviors. Another study found that frequent verbal abuse, including yelling, can even alter the way a child’s brain develops.

Of course, it’s important to note that a one-time instance of yelling is unlikely to permanently harm your child. These studies focus on long-term patterns of yelling and other abusive behaviors.

6 . Yelling is not effective communication

“Children have a hard time learning to regulate their own emotions if their parents don’t show them how,” says Dr. Markham. Parents who frequently yell when upset may unknowingly teach their children to overreact in frustrating situations. In other words, yellers raise yellers.

Dr. Shrand explains that this happens because yelling activates our children’s “mirror neurons”—the part of the brain that mimics the behavior of others—causing them to respond in kind.

“Anger begets anger,” he says. “Yelling at our children makes them want to yell back at us.” The good news is that mirror neurons can also work the other way. “When was the last time you got angry at someone treating you with respect?” asks Dr. Shrand.

Why Do People Yell?

If yelling at kids doesn’t work, why do parents yell? “People yell because it’s their go-to response when they’re angry,” says Dr. Shrand. He also notes that there’s nothing wrong with feeling anger. “It’s what we do with that anger that matters,” he adds.

Anger is a common emotion we feel when things aren’t going the way we want. “We feel anger because we wish our child would stop doing something or start doing something,” says Dr. Shrand.

For example, “I wish my daughter wouldn’t slug her little sister,” or “I wish my son would tell me the truth about where he was last night.” These are behaviors parents wish they could change, and they can trigger an angry outburst.

However, some methods of changing behavior are more effective than others. Parents who recognize that yelling is counterproductive are more likely to seek a better course of action.

What To Do With Your Anger Instead of Yelling

The first step in handling your anger without yelling is acknowledging it. You can even say it out loud if you wish. While it might sound silly, recognizing and naming your anger is a powerful step that literally changes your brain in the moment.

“The moment you recognize your anger, you activate your prefrontal cortex and interrupt your spiraling emotions,” says Dr. Shrand. It’s about shifting your brain from feeling mode to its thinking mode.

Once you’ve calmed yourself down, you’re ready to diffuse the situation instead of aggravating it further, explains Dr. Markham. She suggest saying something like, “Let’s try a do-over” to reframe the interaction in more positive way.

Not yelling can take work, and for many of us, it requires time and practice. If you do catch yourself yelling, pause and apologize. Acknowledge your mistake and try again. The more you practice interrupting the yelling cycle, the easier it will get.

Dr. Markham explains that it’s much easier not to yell when you have a strong connection with your child. Working on your bond outside of stressful moments is a great place to start.